Time for change I can believe in.. *Non-Political*

So over the past week and a half i am getting the feeling that i need some change, and not the Obama type. I mean real change that benefits me. For the past few months i have been worrying about things that in the long run do not affect me much , but that would make things better for some and not so much for others, is it wrong of me to say i really am losing interest in caring?

Honestly? Is it bad to look out for yourself in the reality that no one else will, or is it for us that know better to let others live life in such an unfulfilled way and try to help when and where we can. Will we end up a better person spiritually at the cost of our own wants and feelings? In the past week on two separate instances i have been told that the way i feel is less important than the way the person telling me does. Is this right? Or am i taking it the wrong way as we each have our own lives and do with them as we please. I am only asking this because i am coming to a crossroads in my life both professionally and in my private goings on. I am at the proverbial fork on the road and am now in the position to chose what the next step in this journey will be.

On the one side i have what i perceive to be what i want, it feels right and i enjoy that life so far as it seems to be the right choice both in heart and mind. On the other hand i have the unknown with a hint of gesture from the other side that what i may be doing is the wrong path. Where do i go from here? Its like we see something that looks yummy , but we know it will make us gain weight and we are trying to lose for a beach vacation! its that moment of pause before you bit into it or let it pass with the thoughts of how good you will look in that bathing suit.

What do you do?

What do I do?

I am not sure of either?

I do know one thing, and it is this. When people who you hold in high esteem or think of as highly important to your happiness begin to show signs that you are not that to them or that they can go on fine without you; there comes a point in which we must decide if they are worth breaking yourself over.. or even worse shedding a tear for. I have those types in my life at present, they are important to me and i value them to no end yet i am starting to see that i am not these things in their life. Perhaps they have found new friends, or a new career..perhaps we have just grown apart and as life happens we must go on without them , but there are those that i don't want to lose. What do i do? at what point does one throw in the towel and say it is for the best?

So here I am right where i began, without answers and i believe with more questions!?! How the eff does that happen? We shall see what time brings my way, I know i will okay as I always am. Its just a pain in the ass when you have moments of doubt, not in yourself , but in those you trust around you.

Nothing worse or more liberating than turning around and seeing no one as it is in these times you relay only on yourself.

Straylight Run - It's for the best Listen to this amazing piece of music

My Mother is the toughest person I know

I have come to realize that my mother is the toughest person I know. She was with my father for 47+ Years and never left his side through no matter if it were good times or bad. Now on the 2nd anniversary of my fathers death it hit me like a ton of bricks, she was there from day one fighting the cancer with him, something I could not do. For that, she is the toughest person I know.

To sit and watch someone you Love die over that course of time is being tough. Giving up would have been easy. She never did. She sat day in and day out smiling in the face of the very thing that was stealing the love of her life away from her. I in my own heart do not believe I could do this. Losing my father has chipped a little bit away from me with each thought of it. It has profoundly changed me and I am hoping it is for the better, yet that remains to be seen. It did not change her; IN fact it could not even make her budge. She forsake all her own pleasures for two years to make sure my father did not suffer more than he had to. Something I could not.

When I found it easy to break down and cry for my father she found it easier to smile and make sure the time we had left were great. My father was a "tough guy" in the classical sense of the word. He wouldn’t take any shit, but would never be the one to start it either. For all of his toughness my mother was tougher, she was stronger in silence than he was in an angry action. When the world comes crashing down we all hope we are able to handle it with dignity and hold it together. She proved to me she could and that nothing would ever shake her foundation, Something I could not.

She never cried, she never lost hope; she never gave up the fight. When most find it easier to cut and run, she did not. For all this she is the toughest person I know. I am sure this is why my father loved her until his last breath which he took with my mother holding his hand telling him its okay to go, Something I could not. She would rather him go and be without pain forever with his maker than be selfish and keep him one more minute for herself. Something I could not.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I love my mother, for her wacky ways and her love of casinos and being silly. I respect her for her strength of character and her Iron will that has pulled her through much. She is the strongest person I know.